February 23, 2011

写在没有情人的情人节

人在不同的成长阶段,怀揣着不同的想法,对异性往往有着不同的偏好。就像我:

初中高中的时候,喜欢长得帅、学习好、篮球打得好的男生。
上了大学开始喜欢脑子好、有能力、说话字正腔圆的男生。
后来,开始欣赏能做一手好菜、open-minded、幽默且沉稳的男人。

理想型总归是理想,和现实总是不可避免地存在差距。套用我闺蜜的一句话:“有时候遇到了就是遇到了。虽然他/她并不完全符合你的期望,但你真的喜欢上他/她了,那些条条框框也就抛之脑后了” 我觉得这句话背后的意思其实是,只要那个人符合你大部分的要求,其余小部分的也就不重要了。

现在的我,希望遇到个有感觉且聊得来的男人。

这个看似简单的要求其实挺抽象和高难度的。首先,有感觉并不一定聊得来。因为有感觉往往是被外表(如身材长相穿着),或内在(如谈吐涵养),或由内而外(就像怀着乐观生活态度的人脸上总是挂着笑容)的气质所吸引。说直白一点,就是这个人能让你产生心理或生理的冲动。聊得来就更难了。并不是说有着相似生活经历和背景的人就一定能聊得来,反而有时候背景和文化的差异还能带来很多可以深入交流的话题。另外聊得来追求的是一种的默契。而默契能涵盖的东西,太多太多了。

周末跟朋友聊天的时候,说起自己从初恋到现在这十多年里,男朋友换了不少,但是没有一个是在一起过过情人节的。最长的恋情也没有超过6个月的。这些朋友尺度都挺开的,所以也没有表现出什么惊讶。

我总结了下,自我感觉主要是我不停换地方,其次就是感情太随性了。

在我交往过的男朋友里,都是一/二见钟情,没有日久生情的。在感情方面,我喜欢依着自己的感觉走下去。因为我觉得那种强烈的互相吸引的感觉,是能支撑两个人走下去的主要动力。

有个朋友曾经要我在他的英文blog上写一篇关于东西方人在感情问题上的差异的文章。其实我觉得这个差异可以概括为五个字“理性和感性”。

也许我的看法比较片面。在我所认识的朋友里,中国人大多数都是先很理性地考虑双方是不是适合(性格、家庭背景、学历、经济条件等等)、有没有长久发展的可能,才决定要不要追或者接受。非诚勿扰这个相亲节目已经全面地呈现了这一点。有时候看到一些人开出的条件,觉得挺搞笑的。而我所认识的外国朋友,大多数都是在有好感的基础上开始date(我感觉date比较像中国人正式恋爱的初期), 相处一段时间以后看是不是合得来再决定要不要in a relationship,然后才考虑如何想办法长久地待一起。相处不来的就做拉到,反正再见面hang out也不会尴尬。当然,我还有些朋友是压根就不想in a relationship的。

我个人还是比较赞成感性一点,因为适不适合,要相处了才知道。

我一个要好的美国女生朋友曾经在安慰另一个朋友的时候说到:“Don't be scared of being hurt. You loved, being hurt then moved on. Even though you felt a lot of pain after the breakup, you learnt the lessons and you have nothing to lose. ”


最后送给大家也送给我自己一句话。 "Single is simple, double is trouble, triple is terrible"

Happy Valentine's day to you all!

November 17, 2010

About Changes

“Everything is changing. Nothing lasts forever.”

“Do you still remember Monica from Poland?”

“Which Monica?”

“The charming innocent little naive Monica Gao I met.”

“You almost make me cry!”




November 11, 2010

Bad Day

Feeling like shit, mentally, physically, emotionally....





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The Art of Embracing Change

It's not my work, I just like this article a lot.






The Art of Embracing Change 

by Nadia Ballas-Ruta

http://thinksimplenow.com/clarity/embracing-change/




“It is not the strongest of the species
that survives, nor the most intelligent,
but the one most responsive to change.”
~ Charles Darwin
Change is a beautiful thing. Despite its innate beauty, it is one aspect of life that many people resist. Why is it that some people can easily embrace change while others will do everything in their power to prevent it? It all boils down to a matter of perception.

To be candid, I never really had any problems with change. On the contrary, I welcome change with open arms. To be fair, the reason for this is because I had a very tough childhood.
Going to school each day was like going to war. The only thing that kept me going during my tough times was hope and the knowledge that this torment would have to stop at some point.
Change, you see, was a savoir in my mind. As a result, I view change as a joyous thing. To not change and remain in stagnation is equivalent to death. Nothing can be accomplished by not moving forward.
Look at the human body. If you do not use your muscles, they decay. The human spirit is the same. If you do not grow and adapt, you will remain stuck and nothing of value can be accomplished when you are stuck.
So how does one learn to embrace change? You develop another way of viewing situations in your life. Each event that happens to you has the ability to move you forward or backward. The way you choose to view a situation determines your experience.
For example, some years ago, my mother passed away from terminal cancer. My husband and I moved into my parent’s house so I could take care of my mother. I was her caregiver for the last six months of her life. I was also present when she passed on. Watching someone that you love die is one of the most powerful experiences in life.
When the last breath is finally had, there is a mixed feeling of joy and pain. Joy that their suffering is over and yet immense pain that they are no more physically here.
I was very close to my mother and losing her was one of the most difficult experiences in my life. Not a day goes by when I don’t remember her. Not having a mother can be tough. Talk about change…one morning, I went from having two parents to only one. Not easy. Yet those six months and being present at her passing were two of the greatest gifts she gave me. Why?
Well, it was a great reminder that life, here on Earth is short. It also was a vivid reminder that when we pass on, we leave behind all the material possessions, our loved ones, money and so on. The only things we take with us are how we lived and what we learned.
To pass away knowing that one has lived well is a great achievement. I learned that at a young age and it is something that I am happy about. Yes, I wished I did not have to lose my mother to learn that lesson but so be it. That is how it happened.
I realize that death is an extreme example (yet an experience we all will encounter) to show you how to embrace change. So here are some lessons that I have learned on my journey so far:

1. Nothing Lasts Forever

In Eastern thought, one of the main teachings is that everything in life is impermanent. The good and the not so good do not last. Everything exists for a finite time. That is a fact of life. To resist that fact does no good because it does not change the reality.
When we accept the fact that nothing lasts forever, we are better equipped for the journey. Struggle occurs when we resist reality. So the best way to end the struggle is to embrace the impermanence in life. Enjoy the good times while you can and remember that the not so good times are just temporary. The light will appear at the end of the tunnel…it is bound to happen, you just need patience.

2. Wisdom Is Earned

There is no amount of money in the world that would convince me to go back in time. I am happy to be where I am and to have the knowledge that I have. I earned where I am and that wisdom was achieved through change and experience.
Nothing of value was ever achieved by remaining stagnant. It is impossible. We learn and grow due to change. When we are faced with a situation that forces a change of some kind, our awareness is inevitably expanded. Whether we follow through on it or not, depends on the person. Many people lament about change and doing that just keeps you stuck.
Wisdom is earned by learning to see the alternate possibilities of what surrounds you. When we view life through a narrow lens, our experience is narrow. But when you see the whole panorama, then wow…life is beautiful.

3. Learn To Let Go

Some people are meant to be in our lives for decades and others are meant to only stay for a while. This is one of the most challenging realities of life. Not everyone is willing to be with you as you proceed on your journey.
Some people may only like you when you have a certain title or look a certain way. That is okay. Let them be who they are but keep on being true to yourself.
If you lose some people as you proceed on with your life, wish them well and let them go with love.
When I decided to leave law, some of my family members stopped talking to me. It was tough. I was essentially disowned by some relatives. It was very painful but I realized that what they did said a lot about who they were. I have no respect for someone who is hung up on titles or appearance.
I value substance and I realized that this was a price I had to pay. I accepted it and moved forward. The interesting thing is that life sent me some amazing new friends who ended up being my family. So it worked out.
(Side note: those same relatives who disowned me have recently re-established communication with me. So see…things work out.)

4. Change Always Leads To Good

Here is the reality about change: even though it may occur due to a negative event it inevitably leads to something good.
Now this is a hard concept to absorb at first. I know that when I first learned it during my time at a monastic, I thought my teacher was crazy. But as I looked back at my life, I saw a common trend. When something “bad” happened, it always culminated in some type of realization or thought that took me to a better place.
Things happen to us for reasons. It is not our place to know exactly why they happened. Yes, we can own up to our mistakes but the ultimate existential reason as to why they happened is not fully revealed to us at all times.
Take for example, my bad childhood. Those were tough days but they made me who I am now and I love being me. Those painful experiences taught me compassion and tolerance. I think I am a better writer because of it.

In Conclusion….

The ability to go from resisting change to embracing change can happen. It may not happen overnight but that is okay. The next time you are faced with an experience which causes your reality to change, take a deep breath and take a step back.
Try to see the situation from outside the box. It is okay to be mad or frustrated. You are human after all. But once the emotions have calmed down, just remember that we are all works in progress. Rome was not built in a day…neither were you.