About Changes

“Everything is changing. Nothing lasts forever.”

“Do you still remember Monica from Poland?”

“Which Monica?”

“The charming innocent little naive Monica Gao I met.”

“You almost make me cry!”

Bad Day

Feeling like shit, mentally, physically, emotionally....





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The Art of Embracing Change

It's not my work, I just like this article a lot.






The Art of Embracing Change 

by Nadia Ballas-Ruta

http://thinksimplenow.com/clarity/embracing-change/

“It is not the strongest of the species
that survives, nor the most intelligent,
but the one most responsive to change.”
~ Charles Darwin

Change is a beautiful thing. Despite its innate beauty, it is one aspect of life that many people resist. Why is it that some people can easily embrace change while others will do everything in their power to prevent it? It all boils down to a matter of perception.

To be candid, I never really had any problems with change. On the contrary, I welcome change with open arms. To be fair, the reason for this is because I had a very tough childhood.

Going to school each day was like going to war. The only thing that kept me going during my tough times was hope and the knowledge that this torment would have to stop at some point.

Change, you see, was a savoir in my mind. As a result, I view change as a joyous thing. To not change and remain in stagnation is equivalent to death. Nothing can be accomplished by not moving forward.

Look at the human body. If you do not use your muscles, they decay. The human spirit is the same. If you do not grow and adapt, you will remain stuck and nothing of value can be accomplished when you are stuck.

So how does one learn to embrace change? You develop another way of viewing situations in your life. Each event that happens to you has the ability to move you forward or backward. The way you choose to view a situation determines your experience.

For example, some years ago, my mother passed away from terminal cancer. My husband and I moved into my parent’s house so I could take care of my mother. I was her caregiver for the last six months of her life. I was also present when she passed on. Watching someone that you love die is one of the most powerful experiences in life.

When the last breath is finally had, there is a mixed feeling of joy and pain. Joy that their suffering is over and yet immense pain that they are no more physically here.

I was very close to my mother and losing her was one of the most difficult experiences in my life. Not a day goes by when I don’t remember her. Not having a mother can be tough. Talk about change…one morning, I went from having two parents to only one. Not easy. Yet those six months and being present at her passing were two of the greatest gifts she gave me. Why?

Well, it was a great reminder that life, here on Earth is short. It also was a vivid reminder that when we pass on, we leave behind all the material possessions, our loved ones, money and so on. The only things we take with us are how we lived and what we learned.

To pass away knowing that one has lived well is a great achievement. I learned that at a young age and it is something that I am happy about. Yes, I wished I did not have to lose my mother to learn that lesson but so be it. That is how it happened.

I realize that death is an extreme example (yet an experience we all will encounter) to show you how to embrace change. So here are some lessons that I have learned on my journey so far:

1. Nothing Lasts Forever

In Eastern thought, one of the main teachings is that everything in life is impermanent. The good and the not so good do not last. Everything exists for a finite time. That is a fact of life. To resist that fact does no good because it does not change the reality.

When we accept the fact that nothing lasts forever, we are better equipped for the journey. Struggle occurs when we resist reality. So the best way to end the struggle is to embrace the impermanence in life. Enjoy the good times while you can and remember that the not so good times are just temporary. The light will appear at the end of the tunnel…it is bound to happen, you just need patience.

2. Wisdom Is Earned

There is no amount of money in the world that would convince me to go back in time. I am happy to be where I am and to have the knowledge that I have. I earned where I am and that wisdom was achieved through change and experience.

Nothing of value was ever achieved by remaining stagnant. It is impossible. We learn and grow due to change. When we are faced with a situation that forces a change of some kind, our awareness is inevitably expanded. Whether we follow through on it or not, depends on the person. Many people lament about change and doing that just keeps you stuck.

Wisdom is earned by learning to see the alternate possibilities of what surrounds you. When we view life through a narrow lens, our experience is narrow. But when you see the whole panorama, then wow…life is beautiful.

3. Learn To Let Go

Some people are meant to be in our lives for decades and others are meant to only stay for a while. This is one of the most challenging realities of life. Not everyone is willing to be with you as you proceed on your journey.

Some people may only like you when you have a certain title or look a certain way. That is okay. Let them be who they are but keep on being true to yourself.

If you lose some people as you proceed on with your life, wish them well and let them go with love.

When I decided to leave law, some of my family members stopped talking to me. It was tough. I was essentially disowned by some relatives. It was very painful but I realized that what they did said a lot about who they were. I have no respect for someone who is hung up on titles or appearance.

I value substance and I realized that this was a price I had to pay. I accepted it and moved forward. The interesting thing is that life sent me some amazing new friends who ended up being my family. So it worked out.

(Side note: those same relatives who disowned me have recently re-established communication with me. So see…things work out.)

4. Change Always Leads To Good

Here is the reality about change: even though it may occur due to a negative event it inevitably leads to something good.

Now this is a hard concept to absorb at first. I know that when I first learned it during my time at a monastic, I thought my teacher was crazy. But as I looked back at my life, I saw a common trend. When something “bad” happened, it always culminated in some type of realization or thought that took me to a better place.

Things happen to us for reasons. It is not our place to know exactly why they happened. Yes, we can own up to our mistakes but the ultimate existential reason as to why they happened is not fully revealed to us at all times.

Take for example, my bad childhood. Those were tough days but they made me who I am now and I love being me. Those painful experiences taught me compassion and tolerance. I think I am a better writer because of it.

In Conclusion….

The ability to go from resisting change to embracing change can happen. It may not happen overnight but that is okay. The next time you are faced with an experience which causes your reality to change, take a deep breath and take a step back.

Try to see the situation from outside the box. It is okay to be mad or frustrated. You are human after all. But once the emotions have calmed down, just remember that we are all works in progress. Rome was not built in a day…neither were you.

感情 (3) - How strong love is?

"Alicia Keys - That's How Strong My Love Is"，这首歌是ex离开前留给我的。他刚走的那阵，我的车里一直放着他刻给我的CD，每次一个人在深夜开车的时候，听到这首歌总会想起相处的点点滴滴。

Some people they call me crazy
For fallin' in love with you
They can take me and lock me away baby
Cuz there's nothing those bars can do

I'll be the rising moon after the setting sun
just to let you know you'll always have someone
I'll be the clear as day when the rain is done
So you'll always know

Through the shake of an earthquake
I will never fall
That's how strong my love is
Like a ship through the storm
we can risk it all
That's how strong my love is
……

感情就是如此讽刺的事情，热恋中甜蜜的点点滴滴在分手后却积累成为煎熬和负担。

异地之前我很犹豫要不要继续在一起，可是他拉着我的手说：“为了我，至少努力试一试好吗？”

跟他爸妈去机场送他的时候，我跟他妈妈都哭得稀里哗啦。后来他妈妈递给我一张印着笑脸的面巾纸安慰我：“他会回来的，这里是他的家。而且，你也在这里啊。” 回去的路上，看到他爸爸一直紧握着他妈妈的手，我忍不住感慨，两个人要共同经历多少风雨才能像这样子相守一辈子啊。

然而，梦想和感情，在20多岁这个年龄段总是相互矛盾的两个主题。在这个不安分、对世界充满好奇的年龄，鱼与熊掌注定了无法兼得；相守的承诺对这个年龄——太，重。

距离和时差，带来了太多的改变。当初看起来非常compatible的感情，也渐渐浮现各种问题。

分手的时候，我埋怨他太过自私，他怪我一味埋怨不为他着想。可是我心里从没有真正恨过他，因为坚持梦想的他并没有错。只是我的眼里容不下刺，特别是对于感情。如果你不想再为我们的感情努力了，那我们也没有继续联系的必要了; 因为我要move on，所以不想再和过去牵扯不清。

和一个朋友讨论感情问题的时候，她说，it's always easier to say sth than do sth to make the relationship work.

一个要好的男生朋友告诉我，without solid foundation, relationship just develops along a different direction which goes nowhere.

暑假以来就一直听到很多朋友的感情方面的负面消息。

有个要好的女生朋友，当初和她男朋友相识和相守的故事就像是电影情节充满梦幻戏剧色彩。等到两个人历尽磨难终于安定下来的时候，各种个性上的矛盾也随之而来。她说，明明知道这个人适合结婚相守一辈子，明明知道以后很有可能会后悔，但还是不得不选择分手退而做普通朋友。

另一个要好的女生朋友，美国人。8年前在巴西做交换生的时候认识的现任男朋友。两个人异国了7年半，期间的见面频率平均一年一次，终于在今年订婚了。就在她兴高采烈地筹备他们的美国婚礼的时候，他却打算推迟婚礼。理由很无语却又很现实：他和巴西这边亲友的签证问题、她毕业的去向问题、两个人婚后在哪儿定居的问题。

相爱和相守是种缘分，可是爱情在现实面前究竟能承受住多少风雨？我不知道。

我不知道，how strong love is?

感情 (2) - 放屁的哲学

感情，是件很讲究“缘分”的事情，需要顺其自然。

如果非要把感情分成几个阶段的话，我想大概有暧昧期，热恋期，稳定期和冷淡期吧。至于每段感情能走到哪一阶段，除了因人而异以外，环境当然也是很重要的因素。

放屁，是件极其普通的事情，每个人都要常常经历。但它却是一件俗不可耐、甚至是非常丢脸的事情。从来只有love me, love my dog; 却没有love me, Love my fart一说。正是因为放屁的“俗”和“私密”，情侣在交往的初期往往会拼命地抑制放屁的欲望，或者是羞涩地遮掩放屁的声音和味道。这也就是所谓的暧昧期。

到了热恋期，情侣有了一定程度的相互了解。不像在感情初期只能看到Prince/Princess Charming 的完美形象，很多人可以渐渐去接受和试着容忍对方的缺点，接受光鲜外表下一颗普通人的吃喝拉撒。于是，情侣可以自然戏谑地开放屁的玩笑。这有时候也不失为一种俗气的调情方式。

稳定期。身边有些朋友常常把稳定期和冷淡期划等号，因为激情不在了。怎么说呢，感情跟食物优点相似，随着时间的推移，不可能一直保持同样的温度和新鲜度；但是感情跟食物又不一样，因为它的保质期是个未知因素，很大程度取决于情侣双方的付出和坚持。也许在这个阶段激情是不在了，但是生活还是可以偶尔带点小情调的。所以老夫老妻有时候对放屁“闻”若无睹，有时候兴致来了又开个小玩笑。

冷淡期。冷淡期既可以是激情期循环的前奏，也可以是感情结束的前兆。一味挑刺，嫌弃对方怎么会放那么臭的屁，怎么会毫不掩饰，放完以后还无动于衷表情冷漠。那至少说明他/她觉得你不像从前那样可爱了。

能真正从心里接受一个人不那么完美的形象（不仅仅是放屁），那你就是真的爱上了。

如果你不那么完美的形象可以被另一个人真正接受，即使不爱他/她，但那个人至少是值得依靠的。

如果那个值得依靠的人幸运地是你爱上的，就好好爱，用心爱吧!

感情 (1)

有个朋友，美国男生，白人。去年master毕业以后就从Chicago来Knoxville工作了。认识他的过程很有意思，充满了巧合。他经常抱怨在这边没什么新朋友，工作圈子的同事比他大很多不怎么谈得到一块去。他有阵子会打电话问我的hang out plan，所以后来我跟朋友出去玩的时候有喊过他几次。只是他天天要上班，跟我和我朋友的时间凑不好，所以渐渐的我就没怎么喊他了。

后来跟他有好几个月没见，想不到再次见面的时候他告诉我他做爸爸了！原来他跟女朋友分手不久后，女朋友发现自己怀孕了，然后他们决定把孩子生下来。所以我们没见面的那段时间他都在Knoxville和Chicago两边跑。然后我就说恭喜他，他开心地把宝宝刚出生的照片给我看，还说宝宝和她妈妈下个月就会搬过来跟他一起。我于是还问他准备什么时候结婚，没想到他居然跟我说他还没准备好。。。他说他觉得两个人如果要结婚的话，应该在结婚之前都可以各自独立-有自己的事业，可以自己照顾好自己。他觉得她女朋友还不能做到。他还说，如果为了孩子两个人仓促结婚的话，到时候离婚带来的伤害会更大。虽然我赞成他的部分观点，但当时我还是觉得，他不想结婚很大程度是因为he is just not that into her。

他女朋友和女儿搬过来不久后，我们在一个朋友的party碰面了，他把女朋友和女儿也带去了party。当时我男朋友也在，我就介绍他们认识了。我朋友那一家子看上去挺幸福的，女儿特别可爱，我还开玩笑说要去他家做babysitter. 后来聊了一阵子我半开玩笑地问他，你现在这么幸福了，是不是准备结婚了。没想到他笑着摇了摇头。当时有点小尴尬，我就没继续问了。

后来正好跟男朋友聊起这个事情。男朋友先是间接问我他是不是喜欢我，然后说他也很不能理解，他说如果是他的话，有了小孩，女朋友和小孩也搬过来跟自己一起，肯定是打算结婚的。唯一的解释就是他不够喜欢她，跟American culture无关。然后他很质疑我朋友的RP问题。= =

有时候真的觉得，he/she is not that into you是个感情上的万能理由。有时候其实只要一点点爱一点点勇气，两个人就可以往前迈一大步，解决很多问题。如果一个人只是想跟你暧昧不想跟你确定关系，可能是ta考虑的事情太多，抑或是not that into u想寻找新的可能。如果一个人跟你在一起却没有时常关心你，太忙了是个不错的借口，可not that into u没有办法真正把你放在心上可能才是真正的理由。

最近有个很要好的外国女生朋友在date一个美国男生。两个人在一起很甜蜜，而且蛮般配的。可是他们两个都不想in a relationship，只是想享受现在的状态。一方面来说，我理解他们的想法，毕竟两个人现在都处于对自己人生计划很不确定的阶段；另一方面，我还是觉的两个人not that into each other. 

虽然我不觉得爱是万能的，但是爱的力量的确可以改变很多事情。

今天累了，下次再继续写。。

Living Abroad

“People always have strong emotional connections with the first foreign country they have been to”, that’s what my friend told me before I went abroad for the first time. I didn’t fully understand these words until I came back to China from 6-month internship abroad. I spent amazing wonderful time in Poland during those 6 months even though I felt frustrated with work sometimes. After came to US, my view of that statement slightly changed to “People always have strong emotional connections with countries where they have great memories with friends.”

Living in an environment which is totally different from your home country will enable you to think and observe things in a way you couldn’t manage while in home country. Not until I went to Poland and had the opportunities to communicate with lots of international friends, I found out that there’re so many stereotypes and overgeneration about Chinese culture. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I was asked “Is it safe to live in China?”, “Are your Chinese eating everything?!”.

It’s fun of talking about culture differences with internationals. Personally I’m willing to introduce Chinese culture to either friends or random people i meet, at the same time I try to be open to different point of views and avoid judging. I guess that’s why I can made friends with many internationals.I used to think I was very open-minded. However, once one of my friends here in US asked me, “Monica, are you a conservative person?” “Of course not!” I replied. Then he asked. “Which standard? You mean compare to Chinese or American?” So I realized that I’m liberal (or maybe crazy) compare to majority Chinese but just average liberal according to my American friends’ standard. Yeah, one thing I like living abroad is that you can gradually explore more to recognize yourself.

In the opposite, one thing I don’t like living abroad is the “Reverse Culture Shock”, which is the difficult and surprising from an affected person when he/she deal with home culture after return from long-term experience living abroad. I had a conversation of this topic before with my friend Nick from Australia. He had been living in Japan for one year before he came to my city in China for internship. Both of us experienced the uncomfortableness and anxiety result from reverse culture shock. After came back from Poland, I badly missed the three-time-cheek-kissing between friends, I badly missed the time I can do crazy things without being judged by other people, I badly wanted to go back to Poland to hang out with old friends.

To some extent, these kind of feeling motivate me to apply for graduate school abroad, and I’m so happy I made it. Now it is summer time, some of my internationals friends already left, some of them are going to graduate soon. It's a season of saying goodbye, full of sadness. No matter where will we be, i guess we will still miss each other as if we are always together.

陶晶莹《我爱故我在》——摘抄

陶子是我一直以来非常欣赏的女性之一。她睿智、机敏、成熟、冷静，却又不失小女人的娇媚。虽然她长相不算漂亮，但是却是个在事业和家庭都非常成功，让人嫉妒的女人。 前阵子有个朋友回台湾，这本书是托他帮忙带过来的。 貌似内地也是没有卖的，所以我就把书里的一些经典段子给摘抄下来，分享在内地的闺蜜们看：）

如果条件允许的话希望大家还是去购买正版书籍，支持陶子 ：）

1.恋爱的最美便是那初期暧昧不明时，一切都未知、一切都朦胧、有点故作镇定，却又兴奋难耐，整夜让自己睡不着的，不是真正的他的一切，而是那副因荷尔蒙强烈晕染的对他的想象。所以，我们都爱上幻想、爱上猜测、爱上那个不真实的他。

2.我们评断一个人的条件有很多：他在哪上班、读什么学校、开什么车、喝什么酒、他的兴趣外表星座……还有，他交什么朋友。

3.生活一直都是爱情的敌人。时日一久，爱磨光了，剩下的，多半只是精疲力竭的习惯——当初严重的红玫瑰，也只不过是今日墙上的一抹蚊子血。爱的质变，还是发生了，早晚而已。

4.是啊，（勉强）这两个字，不就是保持爱情的要诀？永远记得，为对方做些勉强自己的事。

5.每个人都可以伤害别人，却无法忍受自己受伤。……所以我说要有一段稳定的关系，必先具备被惨烈伤害的经历。因为你被伤过，便知那苦那痛那不堪那可悲，下回你想越轨时便会有一篇阴影笼罩，不至于断然行动。

6.当你看过、听过、冒险过、失去过、得到过、控制过、失控过、野过、疯过，你才会甘愿地去经营一段稳定的关系。

7.看尽千山万水，才知世界之大，打不过于亲爱的人的一方小天地。……所以我主张，先把你的青春岁月填满，完成了各项自我之后，你才能很心甘情愿地简单过日子，当然，也更能体会实实在在的喜悦。如果你觉得自己还没玩过够，没看过，那就先别结婚吧。

8.知道有人深爱着自己是件幸福的事，但相对地，你也必须为守护这份幸福而谨慎小心，因为，你的生命不再是你一个人的；你的喜怒哀乐，你的健康与否，都影响着爱你的人。（ps,陶子的怀第二胎的时候不幸患上了妊娠糖尿病，需要严格控制饮食）

9.有了孩子，才知道自己的渺小。

10.年少轻狂时，难免骄纵；后来才知，蝼蚁不如。

11.有些前辈说，女人这一生一定要怀胎，生命才算完整。……在我看来，能怀很好，不能怀旧别老去想，反正，谁的人生没有一点点遗憾。

12.男人生在这个世界，几乎只有一件事情，征服享受、享受征服。

13.去探索、去玩、去奔放，偶尔疯狂、别太失控。

14.恋爱最好能谈个四、五段；别想在这个时期结婚，因为你自己的经验不够、判断就会失准。先用你的本性、野性去恋爱，再从每一个不同对象身上学习，然后修炼自己。

15.多去旅行，看书，看电影，多去做一些你梦想中想做的是、去你梦寐以求的地方，因为在二十几岁不做，以后可能没机会了。就算以后又机会，那感觉是不一样的。

16.积累各方面的经验：工作经验、恋爱经验、被骗、吃亏、受害的经验，还有，性经验。

17.在有限的青春里，找到真正相爱的人。

18.有些女性在谈恋爱的时候，习惯以“救世主”角色出现——不断牺牲、奉献，企图用极度委屈自己的方式以求对方能不再匪类，浪子回头。……浪子不是不能爱，但要选对时机进场。

19.婚前一定要有性行为。……因为那将是一个你会和他躺在一起一辈子（如果可能）的身体，你不了解它、不能取悦它，或应该说是互相取悦，那么，如何达到性灵合一？

20.从这个故事，女人们该学到的便是在面对感情时，可以有弹性点，可以贼一点。我并不鼓励外遇、偷情，甚至对于其所带来的伤害深恶痛绝。此事能免则免。但若真的遇上了，能不能请女人们向偷情的男人们学习——不主动坦白，不积极选择，吃完擦干净，拍拍屁股回家。

悲剧总是接二连三的

悲剧的导火线是一双4 inchs(=10.16cm)的高跟鞋。

因为太喜欢这双新鞋子，虽然考虑过穿着它去Sassy Ann's将会是对我双脚的巨大的摧残，但最后感性还是战胜了理性。。。。

于是，我穿着这双让我身高顿时上升为177cm的Heel，在 Sassy门口排队就站了40多分钟。结果进去以后人挤人的我又站不稳，脚不断被动地在崴。。。

我刚买完一杯red head slut准备去找朋友的时候，我前面的一个男人跳舞动作幅度太大了，胳膊肘不小心撞到了我的酒杯,然后整杯红色的酒都泼到了我脸上和白色的衣服上！因为酒 混杂着make up进到了眼睛里面，我没办法睁开眼还不停地流眼泪。撞我的那个男人不停地在旁边说“I'm so sorry! I will buy u a drink!”。。囧。。后来Mladen把我扶到洗手间，我稍微冲了一下眼睛才好多了，可是白色的衣服都被染成了一片片的粉红色。。。。Bahar在旁边安慰我，it's not obvious, and it's dark outside no one will notice that....T_T

在club里面站着腿都快断了，后来好不容易等到大家都要离开了。我跟Adam说我走不动了，然后他就俯下来背我。 走到路中间的时候，他突然开始快速地原地转，我整个人都疯掉了！我跟他说不要闹了结果他转越快。结果我担心的事情还是发生了T_____T: 因为我鞋子太高了，落地的时候把脚给崴了。。。

我跟他说我真的走不动了！他大爷的居然以为我开玩笑，还拉着我在地上拖了好几米。最后我受不 了了甩开他的手瘫坐在地上忍不住哭起来了。Adam他大爷的还以为我在故意闹他，说if u don't stand up, i will just leave u here and won't drive u home！然后就不回头地往前面走了！ 就这样在凌晨2点半清冷的街上，我嚎嚎大哭、一发不可收拾。。。后来想想，其实也不是什么值得哭的事情，我也知道他不会就这么撇下我。只是大概是我太久没哭了需要找个渠道发泄，然后这个 timing又来得太perfect了。。。。

大概因为我的哭声太惊人了，两个刚从sassy出来的女孩子跑过来问我怎么了，需不需要帮忙什么的。这时候Adam也跑回来了，一边扶我起来一边说，I'm sorry i thought u would follow me.... 我的怒火立即熊熊燃烧起来，我对他大吼到：I twisted my feet ！！ How can u treat me like this ?!! 然后他搂着我一直安抚我我才慢慢不哭了。

回去以后，把某个人的facebook彻底地删了。这次我是真的想让这个人彻底从我眼前消失。做完这件事情后，我才意识到，Adam问我why are u so sad tonight的时候，原来真正的答案是这个。

补充一段：

——————

遇到Vlado的时候，他又开始BS我。以前去party的时候，他就一直很BS我买的大黑框眼镜还有假发，一直说they are so ugly, i have no idea why did u waste your money on them. 他是那种爱开玩笑的人，我总的来说也是比较随和的人，他的很多玩笑话都没真的往心里去。

那天不知道是因为脚上4 inch (≈10 cm)的高跟鞋不断摧残双脚的关系，还是因为我心情的确很down....我一直打不起精神，没什么好脸色。Vlado以为我因为他的玩笑话生气了，于是 过来跟我说: Monica, im not judging you or saying you have a bad taste of accessaries. You know what, you are the most beautiful just the way you are. You don't need those stupid glasses or wig to make you beautiful, instead, the should be spontaneous.

虽然我还是固执地认为我的眼睛和假发都很潮，是他自己没品位，但是Vlado的话还是让我大大感动了一把。。。。